the first sunday

had a bad night last night. i was hopping that today would never get here but it did. we also gave our pet away last night they went to a great home but they will be missed. we were unable to play with them like they needed to be so it was best.


today i got up and it hit me there was something wrong. at first i could not put my finger on it but when i did i felt really sad. I'm not really a church person thanks to my mom and dad but i really started to like going there i was learning things and for once i was not alone in class. i really like having J there with me, it was a lot of fun. but today i was really lost i did not know what to do with myself. but one good thing was we did have church at home i really liked having my hubby doing it. it was not really long but it was nice. after that we went to the park for some family time will was on the swing for the first time he had a great time. so did cam. he even got one girl to push him in the swing twice there were men there playing music that was really nice. we had lunch and let the kids play. they all had fun. we were leaving we saw 5 deer. i got some nice pics of them. one still had spots. i liked the park it was nice.

the one good thing in my life is my family. they are the best thing to ever happen to me. they love me for who i am and i love them the same way. i don't care what the church says it makes me happy and feel loved and is that not what god want for all of us? there are some people out there who never get the chance to a have that in there life's. I'm lucky to gave it in mine. my kids will never know a time of being lonely or unloved like i did as a child. they have the love of four parents in there life's and that's great.

what a week

this has been a week that i wish i could just start over. the Bishop wanted to see my hb we were hopping that it was just about this coming weekend but it was not. they fond out that we are apart of a polygamist family. so we were asked not to come to church until they have a chance to talk to others. i feel bad for my hb we both liked the church. i liked having someone to go to class with j was going and was going to be a part of the church but now she cant. i wish my mom and dad had taken me to church more when i was little i would know more now and i would not feel so lost when i do go to church.

i can understand why the church is upset but if they could see the good side of things. the first is that there is more moms to take care of the kids. there are a lot of families out there that when the kids get off school no ones home. in our home there will always be someone here for the kids. another is I'm not the only one taking care of the house and of the kids. i know who is watching my kids when I'm not home and when my sisters leave the house they know that there kids are in good hands. before i meet my hb i was alone for 15 years and when i meet my hb i told him that i did not ever want to be alone again. being in a family with more wife's I'm not alone even though I'm the stay at home mom i still have people around me. there is more love in this house than i have ever seen in a house were there was only a mom and a dad. i was an only child until i was 8 years old. my kids have kids they can play with and even learn from. i feel that all the kids in my home get all the love they need to grow and be happy in there life's. but all i can do is go on with what i feel right.

life

its been a hard few weeks for me. i have had to do a lot of thinking. I'm 37 years old and i would love to have one more child of my own...... well my family is worried that if i try to have another one that something might happen to me, and the baby. i really want a girl but there is a 50/50 chance on that i could have another boy. don't get me wrong i would love them just the same but to have a little girl from birth on would be great. so I'm going to have to put what i want to the side and do the right thing and not have anymore kids this is one of the hardest things I'm doing right now. i feel I'm losing the little girl i have wanted for so long but my family means a lot to me. i have learned that family comes first in every way.

i told u in my last blog that i have 6 kids my oldest is going to be 18 soon and when i meet my hb he wanted to stay with my mom because he did not like him so i let him go and now i feel really bad about doing that i miss him so much. we had 15 years just the two of us and now hes not here at times i feel lost with out him but i do have other kids here who love me and need me as well but its still hard not having him here. i got to see him today and it made me see how much i really do miss him. he looks so much like his dad. we lost his dad when he was 4 years old so he has only had me and my mom and dad in his life so its hard for him to have to share me with other kids. so i do understand how he feels. hes was a mamas boy for so long. but i have alot oflove to give them all not a lot of have that in there lifes right now.

me

my family is one that i thought i would never be in but i love it. I'm the first of three and i love them all. my sisters are j-ann and b. we have 6 great kids well i think they are. my store started over three years ago i meet my hb on line when i out on a date with him and he was so sweet i did not want to leave him. he had a little girl and i had a boy. he was married to his ex and i still wanted to be with him. we dated for a short time when i found out that i was going to be having his child. i was happy. we moved in together and i had my son. we started talking to b and she came up and moved in we did have our ups and downs with her but i love her all the same. she found out she was going to be a mom we all were happy and a short time after that i found out i was as well. we both had boys. than my hb started talking to another lady and in my heart i did not feel she was right for our family but my hb thought she was. that's when j-ann came into our life the first time i talked to her i was sure she was the one for our family. i had told my hb that he was only going to have the two of us but she fit right in. she has a little girl. so now i have two girls and four boys. i love them all. we moved from a small two bedroom to a five bedroom house. we have more room to move but like any family we have our days.

i told some of my family about my life and i got both sides my mom was hurt and upset my dad said as long as i was happy he was. others think its cool. my best friend said she happy to see me happy. its nice to be happy. i always wanted a big family and I'm getting older and cant have a lot more kids but this way i still get to have babies around for sometime. this life is not for everyone it can be really hard at time but we do have a lot of fun as well and that's what i like most. there will be more to come about my life and family in the days to come.